Details of Sobriety

October 27, 2015

It’s been over eleven months now, and I’ve never felt so close to my true identity. Like the tips of my fingers rest on my pulse, I know exactly who I am. I couldn’t always say that.

I’m a social drinker and considerably responsible, save the time in college when my best friend and I let my black lab slip through our legs, out the front door and into the middle of the moonless night. Instead of going out to a party like we’d planned, we rushed out into the pitch black, tipsy from the pinot noir Mom had left on her visit. Lavishly, we threw Kraft’s shredded cheddar cheese around the neighborhood like Gretel’s breadcrumbs trying to spot Dorey against the night sky. The trick, I knew from a previous escape, was to look for her glowing eyes, two blinking needles in a haystack. When we finally found her (dogs always come for cheese), we had to carry all fifty-five pounds of her inside, because as comedic lore would have it, I forgot to bring the dog leash.

Lest I forget to mention the time I dazzled my grandparents and husband on the golf course with a handstand. I should preface and say, use caution when among Idaho mountain elevation, especially when you’re several beers to the wind. At that time, I was learning how to do a handstand against a wall in yoga. And there, on the course, I fearlessly planned to flip up against a tree the size of a Redwood. I flipped upside down and the heels of my Nike golf shoes clipped the last prayer of safe landing by a hair; I missed the tree completely and was on my way down in the other direction. I’m certain the handstand fail made ESPN’s highlight reel for, “Things Pathetic Golfers Do When on Hole 16.” In comparison, the whole jaunt would be like whiffing one of those oversized plastic beachballs floating so easily towards your face at a concert stadium.

Fortunately, I didn’t die of anything but incredible laughter that leaves your cheeks wet with tears. And that of course, made my family think I was dying, which was even funnier, so I kept crying and they kept thinking I was dying.

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